Meet me, a serial Oklahoma toll evader

Today was about dead animals, dead lobsters and dead toll plazas. Don’t worry, I’ll explain.

When we left Staunton, Illinois this morning I had to scrape the windows. That’s a first for the season. Part of the reason for that is that our car is usually in a garage, but the unseasonably warm weather has also contributed to the lack of need for window clearing.

The temperature was 26 when we left the hotel and was 59 when we arrived at our next stop in Oklahoma City. We crossed over the Mississippi River about 8:40 a.m. and took a gander at the Arch. We have an affection for St. Louis because that was where Joan and I became engaged about 14 years ago.

As the temperatures steadily rose out of the freezing range we crossed Missouri  on our way to Texas.

 

Missouri and Oklahoma presented us with those famous "winds come sweepin' down the plains" weather today. A stiff cross wind made me very glad I was not pulling the Laredo behind me today.

We’ve been through this state several times and Joan always mentions that she would like to stop at Fort Leonard Wood to see the base where her father trained during World War II. Today was that day. Unfortunately, today was Sunday and none of the base museums were open, but we did stop long enough to take a picture at the front of the base.

  It took a little effort to find the base entrance, partly because we had trouble finding the visitor’s center. I’m being kind because I asked Joan to help me follow the little blue signs for the center that started on the freeway off ramp. 

As we came off the freeway I followed the directions on the signs, but Joan couldn’t find the Visitor’s Center. She began complaining that the local Chamber had deliberately misled folks with the signs so they would pass by every restaurant and store near the freeway.

  Finally, I called OnStar to help. She directed us back to the same spot where we got off the freeway and we again followed the same signs but with the OnStar directions to the exact address Joan realized that she had missed a 30-foot lighted neon sign that said “Visitor’s Center – Chamber of Commerce.” 

I promised I wouldn’t make her pay for that for more than a month or more. With help from a map at the center we headed to the Army base.

  A nice soldier at the gate told us it would be OK to take a photo of the sign, but we nearly triggered a terrorism alert when I started taking pictures. A civilian police sergeant hustled out to our location and asked us what we were doing and he wanted to make sure we didn’t take pictures of the entrance gate. 

I explained to the sergeant that Joan’s father was trained at the base during World War II and he was satisfied with the explanation and declined my offer to show him all the photos I had taken. Glad not to be in custody we drove off with our photos and continued our journey.

  As we continued through western Missouri we saw a freshly killed coyote on the side of I-44 and just a few miles later a deer with a huge rack dead in the median and then just to complete the collection a large dead hawk. I would have loved to have those antlers for my living room.  

Joan brought her iPod along on this trip and instead of listening to the radio we listened to her collection of music, which is mostly Michael McDonald and Michael Bolton.

  The way I tell the difference between the two Michaels is that the only one who pronounces the words that I can understand is Mr. Bolton. Pretty much Michael McDonald sounds like every word is in a slurred foreign language. I have fun mimicking McDonald. I’ve gotten pretty good at it too. 

We were remembering a previous trip we made through Arkansas and how we listened to a local radio show called “Tradio” during that trip. Maybe some of the funniest radio I have ever heard. People would call in to sell or trade items and some of the offerings were priceless.

Both of us recalled our favorite item: One man called in to offer a five-gallon bucket of “pig slop” to the first person who came to his house to pick it up. The other thing we both recalled was that the host of the show kept telling people that they could sell just about anything, except automobiles, on the show. 

At least every other caller phoned in trying to sell a car. We figured that they weren’t selling cars because the sponsor of the show was a local car dealer. In Ft. Leonard Wood we spotted a sign that said “Pre-owned cars,” which to me is a stupid way to try and avoid saying “Used Cars.” Who does the dealer think he’s fooling. Pre-owed is simply “used.”

 One other sign spotted during the trip was a billboard from Hudson’s Jewelers with my motto on it: “Happy Wife, Happy Life.” 

We crossed into Oklahoma and my recent frustration with the state’s turnpike system reached a new level. Following is my open letter to the Oklahoma Turnpike Authority:

  Dear Oklahoma Turnpike Authority: 

My wife and I have been visitors to your state twice in the past six months. We are normally law-abiding friendly folks who try to do the right thing. You are turning us into wanted fugitives.

 Back in October we drove through your state pulling our 33-foot trailer. We suddenly found ourselves unexpectedly on a turnpike. There was little warning and certainly no warning that many of the toll plazas were unattended and that we would need boatloads of coins and exact cash to feed your machines. 

Eventually we ran out of cash and I ended up having to pass through one of your toll plazas without paying. I even pulled my car and trailer to the side of the road – in the rain, by the way – and walked back to the little building next to the toll plaza to try and find someone to give my large bill to without success. There was a car parked outside, but no one answered my knock at the door. Honestly, all I wanted to do was pay you.

Giving up I continued through your state feeling guilty about not having paid my toll. 

So today, January 15, we were driving on the Turner Turnpike and got off to have dinner. When we got back on we pulled up to one of your unattended toll baskets (what do you have against hiring people?) and dropped in the 35 cents you wanted for a two-axle vehicle.

The red stop sign never turned green. I swear – and my wife swears – that we put three dimes and a nickel into the basket. Not sure what currency you are used to in Oklahoma, but that adds up to 35 cents in Michigan. With no more change I had no choice but to pull through and continue on my way. That set off your camera and bell system, but really, what else could I do? 

Now, I guess, I’m a serial toll evader in your State. I’m pleading not guilty, just to let you know.

This could all have been avoided if you would have sold me a Pike Pass at the Welcome Center we stopped at as soon as we got into your State a couple hours earlier. A nice man at the Welcome Center said that we could only buy one of those Pike Pass transponders near Tulsa, but probably not on a Sunday. 

The man thought that maybe next month you might start selling the transponders at the Welcome Center, but not yet. Really, what kind of a Welcome Center is it when can’t buy the stuff you need to operate legally through your toll road system.

Sincerely, 

Jim & Joan Smith

p.s. By the way, if you are going to charge people $4 to drive a car 70 miles you should at least offer flush toilets at your rest areas. Pit toilets, really?  (End of open letter)

 

Anyway, we made it to our hotel after dinner at Red Lobster (you thought I forgot about the Dead lobster comment didn’t you?) and watched the surprising ending to the Green Bay Packers and New York Giants game.

All in all, an interesting day. 

Mileage out: 3664

Time out: 8:14 a.m. 

Mileage in: 4227

 Time in: 6:08 p.m. (Includes an hour stop for dinner)